Journal+7

__The Sun will Rise in the Mourning__ Bekah Adams On March 22, Central York students mourned the loss of a close friend. A tree struck Andrew Rill, a football coach for both the high school and middle school, at his home while cutting it down two days earlier. He was pronounced dead at York Hospital at 4:55 (York Dispatch). Andy was also an active basketball coach for the township, a role model and a father. The spirit of Central York students and staff was definitely down in remembrance of this inspiring man. Andy Rill believed that "if you taught people skills, and changed their attitude, you could change their lives" and this example was definitely passed on to his players and even the managers of his team. "He's the kind of guy who can replace a Dad" (Benton). The day of his funeral many students from Central along with many other friends he had made were in attendance. He made a lasting impression on everyone and he made everyone feel like his best friend. Soon, there was only standing room in the large church. To the tune of Amazing Grace many familiar and unfamiliar faces proceeded out the doors of the church, tears on their face; this man would be missed. March 23, students decided to share their bond with Coach Rill. Students walked into the schools throughout Central York, white shirts on and bandanas tied. "Coach Rill would always come to practice with a bandana" (Bors). The students decided to wear bandanas to remember him. "The mood was really down. Students were trying to remember the good things about him. You could tell it wasn't the same." (Bors). Players called him "The Big Ugly Coach" so he called his line the "Big Uglies". In the event of something that hits a group of Teens this hard, one often wonders how this affects them. "It didn't really sink in, but I learned to appreciate people while they are here" (Benton). Teens may respond to a loss in many different ways. One may experience feelings of guilt, sadness, or helplessness, or have difficulty with daily routines (Bereavement). Along with the mental and emotional aspect of coping with the death of a loved one, teens may also experience physical symptoms. Teens may experience headaches, change in eating habits, tiredness and/or weakness (Wolford). "Although there is no right way to grieve, there are wrong ways" (Wolford). In some cases those grieving turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. They may also avoid their friends or fun activities or take dangerous risks (Wolford). One may ask 'What is helpful to the grieving process?' Kansas State's counseling services recommend to sleep, eat and exercise regularly, spend time with friends, keep daily routines and get help if it seems appropriate to do so. Kansas’s counselors also advise one to allow times to be emotional and unemotional. It's okay to cry and grieve, but it's not healthy to do so all the time. When Coach Rill passed many parents did not know how to support their grieving child and the students who did not know Coach Rill didn’t know how to console those who did. It is often helpful to write a short, comforting note to your friend that is grieving. You can also help by making sure that they are never alone for long periods of time. Long times of being alone make the person feel as if they are lost and they start getting into the state of mind that nobody wants to be with them now that their loved one has passed. As a friend, one must realize that the healing process is not immediate and has no set time to begin and end. Also, when someone loses a loved one who was significant in their life, they might make quick decisions in their grief. Encourage a friend to think before making decisions, especially those that are important (Parachin). The death of Coach Rill was in many cases the first time a close friend of a teenager passed away. In those cases many students were unaware of how to cope and grieve “the right way.” There is no right way to grieve. Everybody does it differently (Christian). One must first accept their emotions and express them. Don’t expect these feelings of sadness, anger, regret, and yearning to disappear overnight, because they won’t, and if they do something isn’t right. Allowing a group of friends to help in the grieving process and offer support is extremely helpful, and gives the bereaved a positive outlook. Attempt to regain a regular schedule again and remain as routine as possible, so as not to dwell on negative feelings. Remember to sleep and eat well and consider professional counseling if things seem overwhelming or too hard (Coping). Sometimes, one cannot overcome the sadness of their loved one’s passing. They may slip into depression. Teens often struggle with this because their lack of support from adults. Adults attempt to mask their grief and teens pick up on this and think that it is acceptable and is expected of them to hide their feelings (DeMinco). Depression is also common in grievers when the death is unexpected or one of those that are violent. Coach Rill’s was both. Among depression are dangerous coping strategies such as drug use, alcohol abuse, destructive behaviors, eating disorders, and self-mutilation. A study conducted by Schilling and Colleagues showed that if a young adult is not supported in their grieving process they may struggle with the death sometimes decades later in life (Walker and Shaffer). It’s surprising how many teens resort to destructive behavior when a loved one dies. They feel angry at the world for talking away this person, when they had done nothing to deserve so, and cannot contain their feelings or find a healthy and safe outlet for them. Another study done in teen correctional facilities revealed 96% of the teens residing in the facility had lost someone significant in their lives. The teens averaged 6 losses each. The amount of grief placed on these young adults without support will inevitably affect them. A shocking 61% of teens admitted to turning to drugs, alcohol, and self-mutilation to cope with the pain. After this study, a program called Growing Through Loss was put into place at the correctional facility. The program provided a safe, un-judging place for the teens to grieve. Staff at the facility reported that the teens began to heal and their grief began to diminish (Walker and Shaffer). If a researcher had done a study of Central York students and the process of their grieving, they would have found some enlightening results. The stereotypical stages of grief are disbelief, anger, yearning, depression, and finally, acceptance (Family Practice). However, therapists and counselors have found that the stereotypical stages of grief are not, in fact, accurate. According to emotional therapists, acceptance is the first and most common stages of grief. Many believe that the bereaved are mainly sad, angry, or longing for their loved one (Montagne). “The Caring Place,” an establishment committed to helping families and individuals in the grieving process, agrees with the findings that the stages of grief are not factual. They state that the stages of grief are intermixing and never ending. One may move through one stage of grief and return to it later on. The Caring Place calls this “the spirals of grief” (Caring Place). After the loss of a loved one, one often moves from intense pain, to numbness, to exhaustion. Years after a loss, something may trigger the remembrance of the diseased and with it, the grieving. A trigger can be “a birthday or other holiday; the anniversary of the death; seeing some clothing once worn by the one who died; catching a smell of perfume, or food cooking; hearing an old song; the death of a pet or another relative or friend” (Caring Place). It is helpful for one to realize that the grief may return and that they are never completely “over it.” With this state of mind, they will be less devastated when a trigger causes them to become sad and slip back into the grieving cycle. The pain can always decrease, but it can increase too (Caring Place). One may question how to cope with the fact that the grief will continue to return. “Rev. Dr. Arlene Churn says that one way to cope with death is by accepting that life and death are a part of life” (Christian). Death is inevitable and un-preventable. Often after death, one tends to hang onto things heat remind them of their loved one. This is understandable, but when several years go by and you’re saving their old tissues, it’s time to make an appointment with a professional. The modern world does not like to discuss death. They don’t like to be reminded of it. That is why teens and even adults are so often lost in their own grief (Christian). Pastor, Marrice Converson, advises seeking your faith and believing that there is a life after death. She also recommends that one has friends for support, and to be sure that they’re not alone right after the funeral. Time is the best coping tool. Give the grief time. One must also not live in denial. They cannot sit at home and expect the one they’ve missed for 15 years to walk through the door. They must move on in the grieving process because staying in denial is unhealthy. If someone is stuck in their grieving process and cannot seem to accept their loved one’s death, it is acceptable to seek out professional help. As cliché as it sounds, death is just the beginning of life without them (Christian). An extremely common reaction to death is regret. After Coach Rill passed many teens had regrets. “I should have been nicer to him.” “I should have talked to him more.” One must put aside these regrets; they will only hurt the grieving process and prolong the sadness. Instead, learn from these regrets. Think of what can be done now with those who are still alive. Think of what regrets there would be if a certain person passed and take care of them. One may find it comforting to know that grieving typically deigns to diminish after 6 months (Family Practice). Although this is true, the grieving process also matches the closeness of the relationship (Adler). For example, a mother, daughter, or spouse’s death may cause one to grieve for years. Where as a distant friend’s passing may cause only a few months of mourning. Our loved one will never completely disappear from our minds. We’re reminded of them in dreams, and photos around the house. Some find comfort in dreaming of them and others don’t when they wake up to a world without the loved one in their sleep (Adler). Losing a loved one is a part of life. It happens to everyone and is, for the most part, unavoidable. One must always remind their-self that there will always be an end to the grief. “How we mourn depends on our state of readiness and our perception of loss (Cappel & Matheieu). One can remember that their will be a light at the end of the tunnel, if you seek out help you will never be alone, and the sun will rise in the mourning.